I realized that not all of my milestones are going to happen on the scale. This week I started running a 10 minute mile. Believe me, I know that isn't very fast. BUT, last year when I ran a half marathon I trotted along at more of a 12.5 minute mile. Hey, progress is progress! And while I've had another huge victory, finally down a pant size, I'm really struggling with ghosts of a fat girl past. A part of my "plan" continually lets me down - my free meal. Free meals usually play out with an internal dialogue that goes something like this...
Free Meal Night Danielle, "Wow, I've been working really hard, and I'm feeling super deprived. Perhaps I should splurge tonight - Adam, how do you feel about In-&-Out for dinner?"
In the drive-thru Danielle, "This is great, I'm living such a balanced life. A lot of discipline, a little naughtiness. Man, oh man, is this extra side of spread on my fries naughty!"
Post Food Coma Meltdown Danielle, "Oh my God, I just consumed an entire day's worth of calories in 15 minutes. Oh my God, I'm fat again. Why didn't I order my double-double protein style, or skip the fries, or get a smaller coke, or go without fries and without the coke? Oh my God, I should have had a salad. Oh my God, I am FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is wrong with me? There has only been one "free meal" where I have not had a complete and utter panic attack afterwards. And, no, free meals are not always In-&-Out or the like, sometimes it is Sushi dinner out with Adam or wine and cheese with a girlfriend. They aren't all crazy, but they make me feel crazy. Afterwards, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. And I obsess. Oh, do I obsess. I obsess over whether or not I should journal it. I obsess about how accurately I can journal it. I obsess and obsess and obsess.
I think I need to kick the free meal to the curb.
Or do I?
What has become clear to me is that I have some very real issues with food, or real issues that I'm concealing with food. I have tried desperately to keep these issues hidden but my body betrays me. I read somewhere recently, "Your body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what you write down." Well, that has certainly been true for me. Last year, when Adam and I ran a half marathon together, I was running a lot, and while my legs and glutes kind of firmed up, I didn't really lose any weight. How is that possible? The fat girl ghost, I was haunted.
There is a silly episode of Sex and the City about ghosts, real (ex-boyfriends coming back from the past) and imaginary. Samantha says that in order to get rid of the ghost, "you are suppose to acknowledge the ghost and then release it."
The fact of the matter is that I will probably grapple with these issues for the rest of my life. But I am ready for these issues to stop running my life. It is exhausting. I just want us to have a healthy relationship. Actually, I want to stop having a relationship with food. I just want to think about food rationally, with common sense - calories in, calories out. I know I still have issues to wade through, I'm hoping to do more of that here. But for today, I simply want to acknowledge my ghost and tell it to, kindly, go the hell away.