Monday, September 24, 2012

@ Fitbloggin'

I couldn't do it justice with normal sentences.
Thank you to all of my new friends, this is for you.

@ Fitbloggin' we reassessed why we
starve ourselves
feed ourselves
reward ourselves
punish ourselves
and while perhaps we didn't exactly find the answer
we got closer.
A lot closer.

@ Fitbloggin' we got a lot closer to each other
and a little closer to our goals
of losing weight
gaining readers
of being whole
of being more at ONE.
Being at one with our
our earth
our demons.

@ Fitbloggin'
we stood up
to our demons
and said, "you do not own me,
but you are part of me.
I acknowledge you
but you are not
welcome to stay.

@ Fitbloggin' we could be funny, just be funny
we didn't have to hide behind our humor.
Everyone was laughing with us - not at us.
And the funniest ones of all made us cry the hardest too.
And it was powerful.

@ Fitbloggin' we splurged with intention.
Eating a burger in the company of friends
as a conscious choice.
This was different than a binge,
the hidden drive thru shovel.
No one ate burgers with tears in their eyes.

@ Fitbloggin' we stood up at microphones and
shared secrets.
About our moms
and kids
our worst days
our best pitches
our regrets
our most celebrated moments
we cheered
we sobbed
we hugged complete strangers and
we began to heal.

@ Fitbloggin' we turned the whole thing
upside down
we weren't competitors
we were comrades.
In a fight against the void
against the world
against the naysayers.
That doubted us
said we could never do it
or would never do it.

We forged an army of
willpower and strength
and belief
bonded forever by
and zumba
and swag.

But the swag was more than the water bottles
and spices
and shoes.
There was a palpable change to the rhythm of our steps.
There was swagger in our gait.
And the glittering inner harbor reflected back something
that looked like
a victory march
as we crossed the finish line of
the 5K, hand in hand
with our new friends
made possible
@ Fitbloggin'

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Funny Thing Happened on my way to Baltimore

A few things I've learned today. You probably already know them. 

1.) My name is hard to spell. 

2.) I know (theoretically) that happiness doesn't come in a cup but I learned that if it did - it would be a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte.

3.) United Airlines customer service needs improvement.

4.) A egg and cheese sandwich costs $9.99 at LAX.

I tend to conjure up a pretty specific image in my head when I think of a brave person. I usually either think of a little boy with two prostethic legs or a camouflage dressed soldier holding his newborn for the first time ... or more recently I think of  wildly curly red hair, a blue corset and a bow and arrow - thank you Pixar. God, what I wouldn't do for a Gaelic accent right now. Then I would certainly feel what I'm suppose to be feeling which is BRAVE. 

I am currently, right now, this second, in Baltimore, Maryland. I'm attending a conference, a blogging conference of all things, Fit Bloggin' 2012.  

I'm a little disoriented, I mean, even the ocean is in a different place. I'm staying in a hotel room all by myself. I didn't know ANYONE coming to this thing. I'm about to be a very little fish is a very big pond. There are 300 bloggers attending this event. Some of the people attending make a living blogging. A lot of them have business cards, business cards people!!! My blog is just this little baby thing, I share it with exactly 28 people by way of an email blast and perhaps the 10 friends on Facebook that my current settings allow to see my status updates. (Am I the only one that can't successfully navigate the new Facebook?)

A co-worker said something to me the other day, she said, "your life begins when you step out of your comfort zone." I don't think she was the first to say that, but she was the first to say it to me so I'm giving her full credit. She is a wise lady. 

I think, and mostly because I've been obsessively thinking about it for days now,  but I think she's right. Maybe I don't need to slay a big black scar-faced grizzly bear to be brave. Maybe I just have to be me. 

Growing up I was always that kid who couldn't sleep the night before the first day of school because I was so excited. I loved, loved, loved meeting new people and having new experiences. I hosted a Japanese exchange student in 7th grade - a complete stranger, who spoke a strange language and wore strange mismatched yellow plaid and Hello Kitty outfits became my sister for 14 days. I went on a month long exchange trip to Europe when I was 14. I road public transportation in Budapest, Hungry with my host sister who had spiky pink hair, ate wiener schnitzel  in Vienna and danced with a tour guide named Rodolfo in Florence. I sought out an employment opportunity downtown - where I would be the only lifeguard from my high school when 16, so I could work with people that didn't look like me. I went to a small college without my boyfriend and absolutely none of my friends. I enrolled in an field studies course which included a trip to Costa Rica junior year at that college. I tried out for my collegiate golf team although I hadn't played competitively for years.  I wore high heels to my mom's funeral. And in 2006, I left everyone and everything I knew, again, and moved to Los Angeles so my husband and I could pursue the dream of Hollywood success. 

And then, I just kind of stopped taking chances. In a place so big and so scary I've craved a sense of security and safety so fervently that I haven't felt like being a chance-taker person. This city has turned me into a big borderline agoraphobic sissy. 

And, so tomorrow, in the reflection of Baltimore's inner harbor, I'm off to learn my 5th thing...

I am brave. 

It's time for a lemon shake-up, I just hope it goes well with crab cakes.