Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Super Elley

I went to our new gym for the first time today. We joined the legion of gym rats that flock to the Wal-Mart of gyms that is 24 Hour Fitness. It is funny what dictates which gym we belong to now versus what used to dictate to which gym we belonged. Here is a little breakdown of how we have chosen gyms over the years.

Evansville, IN Years : Plain and simple, we had one requirement - minuscule payments. We joined what was the dirt cheapest gym in the tri-state area, the Evansville YMCA. It was dirt cheap and possibly constructed from dirt. It was so crusty and cave like - it made me depressed just to enter the door. The thing I remember most about that gym was the ramp which descended towards the weight room, it had a paint-chipped blue hand rail. I tried purposely never to touch it. I attempted to do Body For Life there, the first of my many yo-yo dieting tries after getting married. I hated that freaking gym.

Carmel, IN Years : We upgraded to having three requirements - cheap, clean and windows to the outside world. Cardinal Fitness won our golden ticket. I remember my biggest beef with that gym was the lack of towels (they didn't supply them at all) and this weird lady who, and I swear I'm not exaggerating, was there all of the time. She had an over processed, over hair-sprayed eighties style do and she monopolized the 5 pound weights. She and my sister actually got into a car accident - she was not a nice lady. It's OK that I snap-judged her and her bad weightlifting technique.

Los Angeles, CA (B.C. - before children) : Sports Club LA won our hearts and our wallets. We affectionately referred to this mecca as Globo-Gym. It had everything we could ever want, a pleasant spa-like smell, cardio equipment with personal televisions, unlimited towels, amazing group classes, delicious protein shakes, eye candy, famous clientele, enormous locker rooms with free razors and luscious bathroom products. We actually cut back on our shampoo budget while we were there because sometimes I would go there just to sit in the jacuzzi and shower. It really is an amazing place, where I can honestly say I never once felt inspired. Alas, I got pregnant with Lucy and it was the first area we chose to save money. It was the easiest decision we ever made.

Los Angeles, CA (A.C. - after children) : Number one requirement, good childcare. I think my husband could workout in back lit alley if he had a fully charged ipod and some free weights. He's not so picky but, especially after being spoiled by the decadence of Globo-Gym, I wanted something better than an alley way. I didn't want to go back to the Evansville days of minimum payment, maximum torture. We settled on something middle of the road at Meridian Bodies in Motion. I loved this place and I have never, NEVER loved a gym. But I'm coming to realize that I may not have loved the gym itself. I love what I was able to accomplish there. It was the birthplace of my love to spin, it was where I poured sweat and tears successfully losing weight and being proud of my body - for the first time as an adult. Sadly, it was bought out by some disgustingly wealthy Persian guy who is tearing out the boxing ring and replacing it was 24 karat gold dumb-bells. We might have even stayed but they are closing their childcare service and we are no longer welcome. No kids allowed.

I must say, I was really nervous to switch gyms, but after today I just feel excited. This evening I had the best workout I've had in months. I kicked my own butt and it felt amazing. I still need something fancier than a back lit alley but I have finally come to realize that has never been about the bricks and mortar of the structure - it's about the bricks and mortar that I'm made of - and today... I felt like a woman of steel.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

How Now Ex-Cow

I've been hiding.

I'm super bummed... with myself.

I have lost zero pounds in the last 7 weeks.


There is something that I feel compelled to share and I'm not sure why. I think the not sharing of it is holding me back. You may have noticed that I have never stated what my actual weight is - I hide behind how much weight I have lost or not lost. I'm embarrassed, it is a big number. But the truth is I don't weigh that much anymore and I plan never to weigh that much again. But sometimes I think that the old number is somehow stamped on me - a 200 pound branded cow.

"Don't step on it, it makes you cry."

When I first saw this little comic I thought it was so funny, I even showed my husband. But tonight, staring at it while I write this, it just makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago that, for me, it was not funny. It was true.

I know it sounds warped and disrespectful to compare myself to a cow. But that is exactly what I felt like at 200 pounds — like a big, fat cow.

I don't cry on the scale anymore. I don't talk to myself in that degrading nasty way anymore. I've done too much, I've come too far. Sometimes, I just wish that I could talk to myself 36 pounds ago and say - well, I'm not sure what I would say, but it would be something loving and gentle and accepting. It might even be, "I love you, and I promise, it is all going to be OK."

Facing the loss of these next 29 lbs is a huge challenge, I really need to buckle down and do a little bit more. For me to lose weight it takes an extreme amount of discipline. For the next week, I am going to blog every day - it might be a bit boring and food journal-ish, so in attempts to bother you less I am not going to send out email blasts. But, if you would check in on me that would be great. This is one of those times, I could really really use your help.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Up the Wazoos

My six best friends from high school and I came up with a name for our little group, one crisp autumn night freshman year at a sleepover. We proudly call ourselves the WAZOOS. It was complete cheesy genius. Each one of us was assigned a letter with a perfectly correlated word.

W- Wild
A- Ambitious
Z- Zesty
O- Open
O- Out of this World
S- Sexy

We took great care to select the words and for which one of us it described most - the idea being that all words described all of us. A nickname with perfect synergistic originality.

Adam and I took the girls home to the Midwest for the last half of October. The vacation was long overdue, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every single minute of our trip - all 23,040 of them. I am really homesick. I could write this entire entry about all the things that I miss about being in Indiana, but that's not really what I wanted to focus on today. What I wanted to focus on is my goal to recapture the Danielle of the Midwest. If I were more of a Facebook status update person, my status everyday while I was in the Midwest would have said something like, "I wouldn't want to be anyone or anywhere else."

It was so nice to be reminded of who I am, really am. I felt jovial and competitive, generous and content, pretty and beloved, silly and fun, nurturing and carefree, safe and sound. It was the most brilliant time so far in my journey, having a moment when I realized that I still am who I used to be, in the best, most fresh way. 

You may or may not have guessed that my assigned word and letter in the WAZOOS is A-Ambitious. It's all very appropriate, don't you think? I have some very ambitious goals for myself these next few months. And, I do believe, in the words of Elton John, that the bitch is back.