Tuesday, November 29, 2011
How Now Ex-Cow
I've been hiding.
I'm super bummed... with myself.
I have lost zero pounds in the last 7 weeks.
There is something that I feel compelled to share and I'm not sure why. I think the not sharing of it is holding me back. You may have noticed that I have never stated what my actual weight is - I hide behind how much weight I have lost or not lost. I'm embarrassed, it is a big number. But the truth is I don't weigh that much anymore and I plan never to weigh that much again. But sometimes I think that the old number is somehow stamped on me - a 200 pound branded cow.
"Don't step on it, it makes you cry."
When I first saw this little comic I thought it was so funny, I even showed my husband. But tonight, staring at it while I write this, it just makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago that, for me, it was not funny. It was true.
I know it sounds warped and disrespectful to compare myself to a cow. But that is exactly what I felt like at 200 pounds — like a big, fat cow.
I don't cry on the scale anymore. I don't talk to myself in that degrading nasty way anymore. I've done too much, I've come too far. Sometimes, I just wish that I could talk to myself 36 pounds ago and say - well, I'm not sure what I would say, but it would be something loving and gentle and accepting. It might even be, "I love you, and I promise, it is all going to be OK."
Facing the loss of these next 29 lbs is a huge challenge, I really need to buckle down and do a little bit more. For me to lose weight it takes an extreme amount of discipline. For the next week, I am going to blog every day - it might be a bit boring and food journal-ish, so in attempts to bother you less I am not going to send out email blasts. But, if you would check in on me that would be great. This is one of those times, I could really really use your help.