I've been hiding.
I'm super bummed... with myself.
I have lost zero pounds in the last 7 weeks.
Boo.
There is something that I feel compelled to share and I'm not sure why. I think the not sharing of it is holding me back. You may have noticed that I have never stated what my actual weight is - I hide behind how much weight I have lost or not lost. I'm embarrassed, it is a big number. But the truth is I don't weigh that much anymore and I plan never to weigh that much again. But sometimes I think that the old number is somehow stamped on me - a 200 pound branded cow.
"Don't step on it, it makes you cry."
When I first saw this little comic I thought it was so funny, I even showed my husband. But tonight, staring at it while I write this, it just makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago that, for me, it was not funny. It was true.
I know it sounds warped and disrespectful to compare myself to a cow. But that is exactly what I felt like at 200 pounds — like a big, fat cow.
I don't cry on the scale anymore. I don't talk to myself in that degrading nasty way anymore. I've done too much, I've come too far. Sometimes, I just wish that I could talk to myself 36 pounds ago and say - well, I'm not sure what I would say, but it would be something loving and gentle and accepting. It might even be, "I love you, and I promise, it is all going to be OK."
Facing the loss of these next 29 lbs is a huge challenge, I really need to buckle down and do a little bit more. For me to lose weight it takes an extreme amount of discipline. For the next week, I am going to blog every day - it might be a bit boring and food journal-ish, so in attempts to bother you less I am not going to send out email blasts. But, if you would check in on me that would be great. This is one of those times, I could really really use your help.
The good news is that I just downloaded Patton Oswalt's new album. I think you'll find it much funnier than these Andy Cap children from a 1970s health textbook on Mutant Head Syndrome.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. We're so proud of you, Elley! Except May. She's fairly indifferent to your struggles. The vet has forced her on a weight loss plan of four pounds. That's like a fifth of her. And she's just a little dog, after all. She didn't care much for your cow references.
Danielle,
ReplyDeleteThis is Megan, one of Carlene's new friends...I'm sure you've heard of me. :) Dearest Carlene pointed me to your blog because she was hearing your voice come out of my mouth so often when it came to my weight struggles. Reading your posts has confirmed it...we are kindred spirits. I too feel branded with the number of my highest weight (210 lbs...shhhhh), and I have also hit a plateau over the last couple months that both frustrates and, I have to admit, encourages me.
I'd like to help you see the situation a bit differently. You have certainly helped me see the strength in the journey we've already been through. Okay, here's my perspective. I don't know about you, but over the last couple months I haven't been TRYING to loose weight. I haven't been counting calories. I haven't been going above and beyond my current exercise regimen. Honestly, I've been lazy. What encourages me is that, while I haven't lost any additional pounds, I haven't gained any either! If you really are the kindred spirit I think you are, your biggest fear, like mine, is gaining it all back. This period of plateau has given me confidence that I won't ever let that happen!
I believe in you. Your sister believes in you (and is your very biggest fan)! You're doing an amazing job and I'm cheering for you from 400 miles away. :)
Love this! So true. It's so hard to get passed the number and move on. So hard to see past where we where and be truly proud of where we are. I so struggle with this! Thus time around I'm not doing WW. Don't get me wrong, live the program but I needed it to be more about not just writing down points but making better choices and working out. Not beating myself up for going over one day but focusing I. The long haul. 22 pounds down and ideally 18 to go. Especially with my cholesterol being high, thus time it's about over all health and not just how I look in the mirror. Although that and how clothes fit us a nice added bonus :). Thanks for sharing your blog. I will look forward to going back and reading your past posts.
ReplyDeleteDani,
ReplyDeleteYou are so inspirational - stay true to yourself and you will accomplish your goal in your own time. I am confident that you will succeed and reflect and inspire...
Love Aunt Shannon