Saturday, May 21, 2011

One Republic for Which I Ran

I have a new favorite song. Actually, thirty minutes ago I think it transitioned from being my new favorite song into being my new mantra. I played this song five times during my run tonight. I was exhausted putting on my tennis shoes, exhausted only because I had an absolutely wonderful day, a day chock full of nourishing dear and precious friendships, running errands with my sister and playing with my daughters. It was a great day. And the last thing I wanted to do to conclude it was run.

But run I did.

And I did so by simply placing one foot in front of the other - right, right, right, right, left, right, right, right, right, left, right, right, right, I kept marching on.

Thank you, One Republic for your beautiful lyrics. How did you know what I wanted to say?

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

This is the beginning of the chorus to the song, and I love it so much because sometimes I can become very fixated on all of the things that I am not. Wow, there are so many things that I am not. I'm not perfect, in fact I say, far more often than I should, that I don't really even feel as though I am great at anything. I feel good at a lot of things, but great... I am not. Ugly, defeatist self talk, I know. I'm trying to demolish thoughts like this and I'm doing a much better job, but focusing on things that I am not is a trap I very easily fall into. There is a compellingly unifying power about joining someone in a fight for something... a fight for freedom, a fight for life. My fight may be microscopic on the spectrum of contests, but here in my corner of the room, it feels like a really big battle. But, I promise you that... I'll keep marching on.

We’ll have the days we break,
And we’ll have the scars to prove it,
We’ll have the bonds that we save,
But we’ll have the heart not to lose it.

For all of the times we’ve stopped,
For all of the things I’m not.

We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we ain’t got no other,
We go when we go,
We’re marching on.

I've been thinking about game changers. Poignant moments, dates in my history that changed the course of my life forever.
1.) June 1992 - the summer I had brain surgery after a freak softball accident - game changer. It's when I knew I wanted to practice medicine. It was also a moment in my life that I really learned to lean on God.
2.) August 1995 - I was twelve and I met my husband - game changer. But it wouldn't be until 1999 that I thought of him as anything but a slightly awkward, skinny genius that talked too fast.
3.) September 11, 2001 - game changer for everyone, but for me it was the day that I went from wanting to "practice medicine" to knowing I was absolutely, without a doubt, meant to be a nurse.
4.) April 7, 2005 - the day my mom died - game changer, in every way possible. And that was a time that I absolutely survived by putting one foot in front of the other.
5.) April 24, 2008 and December 27, 2009 - the birth dates of my two babies. It was these dates that changed everything that had changed before them.
My hope is that I can add April 26, 2011 to that list. It was the day I really committed to this blog, the day I asked for your help. I'll tell ya, twenty-five days in... it feels like a game changer.
The last two weeks I've lost exactly two pounds each. This is keeping exactly with my goal weight loss of two pounds a week. You'll notice the weight loss ticker I added on the right hand side of the screen. This is my total weight loss from the beginning of the year, when I actually started the blog (although I didn't share it with anyone). So with 14.4 pounds down and 50.6 to go - you know what I'm gonna do.... keep marchin' on.

And if you have any killer workout songs, feel free to suggest. I'd love some more mantras.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Un-Wed War

For about the last one and a half years I've been un-married. Meaning, I haven't been wearing my wedding or engagement rings. Being un-married isn't what it is cracked up to be, you'd think people would look at me with some pity, "oh, that poor single mom struggling with two toddlers, perhaps I'll chase down that cart full of Trader Joe's groceries speeding away from the trunk of her car." There has been none of that. And I'm certainly not getting hit on more by random guys, unless you count the homeless dude at the Westwood Parks and Rec Center yelling profanity as I walked by, and I don't. I miss wearing my rings. I miss having that cute little tan line on the ring finger of my left hand which proclaims "I'm taken." I love being married to my husband. I love it. So, one may ask, why then are you un-married? My rings do not fit. Not even a little bit. I shoved my ring on (with the help of windex and some glycerin soap) for some family portraits we had taken back in November. Poor choice. I nearly had to have someone saw off my finger to return the blood flow. And you can't even see my ring in any of the pictures! What a waste. Comfortably donning my rings again, without having to get them re-sized is a goal of mine. There have been countless numbers of times that I've nearly taken it to a jeweler so I could wear it now. I probably should have done so. But there always comes a knee jerk, "NO!!! You can do it. You can lose the finger fat. I believe. I believe. I believe." And as the "I believes" start to crescendo, I believe it too. I do realize that after having two babies a slight adjustment might need to be made (I hear my mommy friends comments already) and I'm completely willing to re-size my ring, if after having reached my goal weight loss it still fits uncomfortably. But, for now, the chanting I hear, the "I believe," chorus, it sounds a lot more like my voice.

I am very happy to share that since my last blog post I have lost 6.2 lbs. WOW!!! I'm not really even doing anything all that crazy. You have been the difference. Your offers to walk on the beach with me or run and hike with me or do yogahop with me, your conscious effort to use ground turkey in chili rather than ground beef when I come over, your calls and emails and hugs and excitement and follows have been the difference. I love that when I choose apples over bread rolls or green beans over cheese dip that I feel good. You are part of that choice. In my moments of real weakness, and even floating on this high of love and support and faith you have placed in me to reach these goals, I feel absolute moments of pure weakness, I gain power from you. Thank you for the magic of your love, it has pulled me up by my boot straps and I feel really, really good.