(Note from the author: when I started writing this post it was suppose to be uplifting and inspiring. Well, I tripped on the rubble and it kind of turned into something entirely different. I'm sorry, I don't think I can move on and heal until I am honest with myself about what is going on inside my head. Please stay tuned, my hope is that uplifting and inspiring are just up ahead.)
While perusing iTunes for some new workout music for the ol' iPod the other night, we downloaded this little gem - You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon.
"A man walks down the street and he says why am I soft in the middle now, why am I soft in the middle - the rest of my life is so hard."
I've been secretly sniveling to myself, a lot I mean a lot, a lot. Losing weight is so hard, really really freaking hard. And I've been caught up in the hardness of it all. I've let it paralyze me. I'll start the day off well with the best of intentions (you know journaling, measuring and planning) then somewhere, sometime I feel a panicky rush of yuckyness and before I know it I'm eating or drinking something that is, um, not nourishing or I'm eating something nourishing but I'm eating way too much of it. Then the day is "ruined" and I feel like a big. fat. failure. Especially because I've been here before. This cycle is well known in the historical timeline of my life. I feels like I'm afraid, afraid of what? I'm not sure. Probably of not being able to eat any more french fries or pizza or ice cream or anything with a net carb >4. That sounds a little funny and seriously pathetic but it isn't funny it is really FRUSTRATING!
Why am I so scared?
The truth is that being healthy is fun, really really freaking fun. Creating healthy recipes makes me feel like Remy in Ratatouille, it is so creatively gratifying. I can focus more. I am more jovial and I hang out with my friends more because I'm not constantly worrying about what I should wear or how I should sit. Accepting compliments is easier, shopping for clothes is more enjoyable and making out with my husband is just, well it's just awesome. Eating healthy foods in the right combinations and amounts makes my skin glow. Looking in the mirror at the gym and seeing definition in my arms is like no other gratification that I have ever known.
Why am I sabotaging my own fun?
I have no idea. It is just stupid. And I'm mad at myself. I have not known what to do about it so I haven't done anything. I haven't been cooking, I haven't been working out, I haven't been blogging. Well, I've done a little of all of those things but not in the quantity that elicits any fun.
So I made a radical decision. I am going to have more fun. I am introducing fun into this weight loss journey. The hope and prayer that I am desperately grasping for is that by telling myself I am WORTH having fun, by purposely injecting it into my day and my routine and my goals, that I'll start to believe it and start treating myself accordingly.
Here are the first FUN items on the agenda.
1.) Participate in my first Tough Mudder event on July 7. I mean what could possibly be more fun than running in an event that is basically a glorified Track and Field Day for adults? More to come on this but to give you some idea I will be signing my first death waver and I couldn't be more excited!!!
2.) I think it's fun to have mantras. I've decided mine this next month, prepping for the event above, is going to be "Eat Clean, Train Dirty." And, yes, I stole it from a tee-shirt I saw on pinterest, so sue me.
3.) Go to the beach, stretch marks and all. I'm hoping that once June Gloom is over we'll be there about once a week. Anyone want to join?
4.) My sister and I recently started sending each other text messages around our intended workout times. It started with her needing some encouragement to get up and go to the gym at the butt crack of dawn. I woke up in a sleepy stupor and sent her a quick one liner stating that I believe in her (Because I DO!!!). She returned the favor for me later in the day. Sis-a-roo, get ready, it's lucky that you have unlimited text messages, you're gonna need them!
5.) I'm signing up for the Tinkerbell Half Marathon at Disneyland. It isn't for a while yet, actually it is on my birthday weekend in late January. How fun is that?!?!
I'm laying the snivel to rest, put that in your pipe and sing about it, Paul Simon.