Pocket Full of Sunshine

Yesterday at this time, I was drenched in fat tears when I walked a little delirious but still victorious out of my hot yoga class. My first workout of 2012. 


I'm a big believer in resolutions. I think there is something very cleansing and renewing about entering a new year. I love dreaming about all the promises that a new year brings and I love reflecting back on the year that has just past and all the precious memories and accomplishments that I can pull out of my pocket to treasure any time I wish. 


I believe with full confidence that I will finish losing weight this year and begin the task of maintaining it for the rest of my life. And I think the time has come to document the physical transformation I made last year. 

 

 

 

 

 

Last December, on Maya's 1st Birthday.

In April 2011, on Lucy's 3rd Birthday.

These two photos were taken last January, just one year ago.

This was me in October 2011.

And this is me, last week, at Maya's 2nd Birthday Party. 

Sifting through pictures to produce this post was so revealing to me. Daily changes happen in such small increments that it can be so frustratingly difficult to see the transformation. Well, I see it now. And if you are super crafty, and look carefully you might just notice what I'm sporting on my left ring finger. 

It's going to be a Happy, happy, happy New Year.

There is No Such Thing As a Free Lemonade

I'm pretty wiped out after a long day at work but just wanted to document a moment from my day.

I picked up take-out at this cute little vegan restaurant near the hospital that I am newly obsessed with - don't judge, it is really, really tasty. They are currently offering free homemade beverages with every entree as a customer service thing because they are in the middle of a construction project. They have Wild Berry Iced Tea sweetened with Agave, Lavender Lemonade and a Watermelon Aqua Fresca. Whoa, yum. I have tried all of them and they are delectable. But tonight I hesitated before reaching into the cooler for my drink of choice, it wouldn't really be free would it? I had consciously chosen a healthy restaurant, consciously chosen a healthy entree and I consciously decided to pass up the empty calorie drink. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

Super Elley

I went to our new gym for the first time today. We joined the legion of gym rats that flock to the Wal-Mart of gyms that is 24 Hour Fitness. It is funny what dictates which gym we belong to now versus what used to dictate to which gym we belonged. Here is a little breakdown of how we have chosen gyms over the years.

Evansville, IN Years : Plain and simple, we had one requirement - minuscule payments. We joined what was the dirt cheapest gym in the tri-state area, the Evansville YMCA. It was dirt cheap and possibly constructed from dirt. It was so crusty and cave like - it made me depressed just to enter the door. The thing I remember most about that gym was the ramp which descended towards the weight room, it had a paint-chipped blue hand rail. I tried purposely never to touch it. I attempted to do Body For Life there, the first of my many yo-yo dieting tries after getting married. I hated that freaking gym.

Carmel, IN Years : We upgraded to having three requirements - cheap, clean and windows to the outside world. Cardinal Fitness won our golden ticket. I remember my biggest beef with that gym was the lack of towels (they didn't supply them at all) and this weird lady who, and I swear I'm not exaggerating, was there all of the time. She had an over processed, over hair-sprayed eighties style do and she monopolized the 5 pound weights. She and my sister actually got into a car accident - she was not a nice lady. It's OK that I snap-judged her and her bad weightlifting technique.

Los Angeles, CA (B.C. - before children) : Sports Club LA won our hearts and our wallets. We affectionately referred to this mecca as Globo-Gym. It had everything we could ever want, a pleasant spa-like smell, cardio equipment with personal televisions, unlimited towels, amazing group classes, delicious protein shakes, eye candy, famous clientele, enormous locker rooms with free razors and luscious bathroom products. We actually cut back on our shampoo budget while we were there because sometimes I would go there just to sit in the jacuzzi and shower. It really is an amazing place, where I can honestly say I never once felt inspired. Alas, I got pregnant with Lucy and it was the first area we chose to save money. It was the easiest decision we ever made.

Los Angeles, CA (A.C. - after children) : Number one requirement, good childcare. I think my husband could workout in back lit alley if he had a fully charged ipod and some free weights. He's not so picky but, especially after being spoiled by the decadence of Globo-Gym, I wanted something better than an alley way. I didn't want to go back to the Evansville days of minimum payment, maximum torture. We settled on something middle of the road at Meridian Bodies in Motion. I loved this place and I have never, NEVER loved a gym. But I'm coming to realize that I may not have loved the gym itself. I love what I was able to accomplish there. It was the birthplace of my love to spin, it was where I poured sweat and tears successfully losing weight and being proud of my body - for the first time as an adult. Sadly, it was bought out by some disgustingly wealthy Persian guy who is tearing out the boxing ring and replacing it was 24 karat gold dumb-bells. We might have even stayed but they are closing their childcare service and we are no longer welcome. No kids allowed.

I must say, I was really nervous to switch gyms, but after today I just feel excited. This evening I had the best workout I've had in months. I kicked my own butt and it felt amazing. I still need something fancier than a back lit alley but I have finally come to realize that has never been about the bricks and mortar of the structure - it's about the bricks and mortar that I'm made of - and today... I felt like a woman of steel.

How Now Ex-Cow

I've been hiding.

I'm super bummed... with myself.

I have lost zero pounds in the last 7 weeks.

Boo.


There is something that I feel compelled to share and I'm not sure why. I think the not sharing of it is holding me back. You may have noticed that I have never stated what my actual weight is - I hide behind how much weight I have lost or not lost. I'm embarrassed, it is a big number. But the truth is I don't weigh that much anymore and I plan never to weigh that much again. But sometimes I think that the old number is somehow stamped on me - a 200 pound branded cow.

"Don't step on it, it makes you cry."

When I first saw this little comic I thought it was so funny, I even showed my husband. But tonight, staring at it while I write this, it just makes me so sad because it wasn't that long ago that, for me, it was not funny. It was true.

I know it sounds warped and disrespectful to compare myself to a cow. But that is exactly what I felt like at 200 pounds — like a big, fat cow.

I don't cry on the scale anymore. I don't talk to myself in that degrading nasty way anymore. I've done too much, I've come too far. Sometimes, I just wish that I could talk to myself 36 pounds ago and say - well, I'm not sure what I would say, but it would be something loving and gentle and accepting. It might even be, "I love you, and I promise, it is all going to be OK."

Facing the loss of these next 29 lbs is a huge challenge, I really need to buckle down and do a little bit more. For me to lose weight it takes an extreme amount of discipline. For the next week, I am going to blog every day - it might be a bit boring and food journal-ish, so in attempts to bother you less I am not going to send out email blasts. But, if you would check in on me that would be great. This is one of those times, I could really really use your help.

Up the Wazoos

My six best friends from high school and I came up with a name for our little group, one crisp autumn night freshman year at a sleepover. We proudly call ourselves the WAZOOS. It was complete cheesy genius. Each one of us was assigned a letter with a perfectly correlated word.

W- Wild
A- Ambitious
Z- Zesty
O- Open
O- Out of this World
S- Sexy

We took great care to select the words and for which one of us it described most - the idea being that all words described all of us. A nickname with perfect synergistic originality.

Adam and I took the girls home to the Midwest for the last half of October. The vacation was long overdue, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every single minute of our trip - all 23,040 of them. I am really homesick. I could write this entire entry about all the things that I miss about being in Indiana, but that's not really what I wanted to focus on today. What I wanted to focus on is my goal to recapture the Danielle of the Midwest. If I were more of a Facebook status update person, my status everyday while I was in the Midwest would have said something like, "I wouldn't want to be anyone or anywhere else."

It was so nice to be reminded of who I am, really am. I felt jovial and competitive, generous and content, pretty and beloved, silly and fun, nurturing and carefree, safe and sound. It was the most brilliant time so far in my journey, having a moment when I realized that I still am who I used to be, in the best, most fresh way. 

You may or may not have guessed that my assigned word and letter in the WAZOOS is A-Ambitious. It's all very appropriate, don't you think? I have some very ambitious goals for myself these next few months. And, I do believe, in the words of Elton John, that the bitch is back.

How may calories are in humble pie?

If you asked me a year ago if I thought what I have done these last 6 months was possible, I would have said something really jaded like, "well, possible but not probable." I have lost 33.4 lbs. That is almost what my 3 year old daughter weighs. I have lost a toddler. Well, you know what I mean. 

So can anyone tell me then, why I am feeling so down trodden? I think I am having a mid-weight loss crisis. All I can think about is how far I left to go. All I can think about is even after having lost 33 lbs I am still overweight. In my head I've composed a little comic strip about this... I wish I could draw, it would make my image a lot easier to convey. But it goes something like this...

Picture a really sad, sweet-faced Danielle - like a female Charlie Brown, with more hair - standing at the top of a mountain. The side of the mountain at my back is steady, but slow steeping. It's covered in flowers and places to rest. The side of the mountain in front of me - the way down - is jagged, thick with brush and places to trip. The caption reads, "Damn, Miley Cyrus, why you gotta be right?"

This is an uphill battle.

I've been doing a very good job of feeling sorry for myself the last week or so. I'm tired. Work is exhausting. I need a vacation. I don't want to make dinner. The hallway smells. The girls have the pukes. I have laundry and dishes piled to the ceiling. Today about sent me over the edge. I got home and I was twitching like an addict - scouring my cabinets for chocolate, cooked pasta, cheese, any sort of full fat cheese, Doritos for heaven sake where is something calorie laden, fatty and BAD FOR ME?!?!?!?!

I couldn't find anything to satiate my fix (because in a moment of sanity months ago I had removed all of that crap). So what pulled me out of the crack house hunt? 1.) I remembered that The Biggest Loser Season 11 premier was tonight. 2.) I went outside to walk my dog. 3.) I called my sister. Otherwise known as 1.) Inspiration. 2.) Fresh air. 3.) Support.

I have been thinking about the word humble. I have been thinking about it in the "having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance." and perhaps even in the "decisively defeat" way. I don't really like the word humble. For me, it conjures up images of someone meek and submissive - with a broken spirit, like Charlie Brown. I think I've been thinking about it wrong. Humble also means "not arrogant or haughty" (such a great word); "reflecting or expressing." It means everything this blog is about, it means not being to proud to ask for help.

Can someone serve me up a piece of humble pie? I've still got a long way to go.

Love, Loss, and What Size I Wore

The other day, I put on the skirt I wore to my mom's memorial service. In truth, it's kind of ugly. The clearance rack Express skirt is this weird poop brown color, it has awkwardly placed pockets and it hits me right below the knee - not such a good length when one stands at 5 feet 3 inches tall. I put it on because it's a size 10 and I've been trying on all of my size 10 garments to see if they fit.

Fit it did. 

My mom was so beautiful. She had the most dainty hands and feet. She had eyelashes so long that they brushed up against the lens of her glasses - which were bottle cap thick in attempt to correct her terrible eyesight.  She had great bone structure and muscularly toned legs. My mom's weight fluctuated a lot when I was growing up. I remember it being this huge thing between my parents. One year my dad had tried to bribe my mom with a trip to Hawaii if she lost a certain number of pounds. She did great but she fell just shy of her goal and the trip to Hawaii was cancelled. I think they went to Hilton Head instead. As a child this sent a pretty clear message to me - be skinny and you'll be showered with gifts, love and affection, be un-skinny and you'll receive a consolation prize. My food issues are deeply rooted. I grew up watching my mom struggle with her weight. I grew up watching my dad struggle with her struggle.

Why does it sometimes feel like we are doomed to repeat our parent's mistakes?

Lately, I've been having a lot of days that people have made me feel really good. I mean really good. I feel like my friendships are stronger than ever. I feel completely obsessed with my husband, like high-school-goofy-obsessed. I feel more excepted and loved than I can remember feeling in a long time.

And I think I had a break through... 

I am feeling this from other people because I'm feeling more excepting and loving of myself. A friend whipped out her camera to take a picture of me recently and I didn't cringe, I smiled and said "cheese!" I need a few progress photos anyway. I have lost 28.5 lbs to date. This is officially more weight than I have lost with any other attempt in my life.

My mom kept a collection of "fat pants" in her closet. Pants that didn't necessarily fit anymore or that had some kind of hideous stretch panel or MC hammer flair that she felt covered up any lumps, bumps or bloating she was feeling on her heavier days. Well, Mom... that buck stopped with you. I'm not carrying this nonsense into my future. No fat pants for me, I plan to continue to live my best life and I think you would be really proud of me.